“Will the flood behind me, put out the fire inside me?” No music seems to contemplate the eternal struggles of my existence so much as that by AFI. I have felt this so deeply, so many times. Feeling everything so deeply, in fact, that you wonder if it will swallow you whole and you’ll just cease to exist? Will the vast mass of tedious and … Continue reading a fire inside
My nephew passed away today. He was 3. He had a lot of complications throughout his short life – but you know what was completely uncomplicated? All the love. My amazing niece sat in my lap and read this to me today. It’s a beautiful book, and while it was to help her and her brother with understanding, it was comforting to me as well. … Continue reading loss is deep, but love is exponential
It happened again this morning. I was thinking about working from a coffee shop today. Sounds easy enough, right? Not when you’re chronically ill, and highly sensitive. You have to consider a lot of things that other people don’t. Like, I typically like coffee shop environments. They’re made to be comfortable, and workable. The ambiance is something I can work with for a while. I … Continue reading accepting pain and the unknown
Life can be unbelievably painful and ridiculous. And a lot of times, because people feel bad about what you’re going through, they don’t want to acknowledge it. It makes them uncomfortable to see you suffer. While it’s good that people don’t want you to suffer, it doesn’t mean that you won’t. It doesn’t mean that they can slap a platitude onto it and make it … Continue reading honoring the things that suck
My grandmothers are both in their 80’s. I got to spend time with both of them today, and I really appreciate that. They have both recently fallen, but still live their lives. They enjoy food and word games and people, even as memory fades, and they recognize less of the faces. Even as they know less about the current state of the world and have … Continue reading Our bodies will fail us all.
Facebook decided to show me this memory from 2 years ago. That was when I lost the composure I was holding onto all day. I cried and said aloud, “Daddy, I miss you so much”. Yes. I still called him Daddy. And I would kiss him on the cheek and give him a hug, even though I might see him 3 times a day, or … Continue reading Miss you, Daddy.
I had a reading done, and I asked what I needed to do regarding a particular situation. The reader said, “forgiveness” then flipped a card that said exactly that. I thought, but I have forgiven… I know that I am still working through the hurt, but I’m not holding onto it. Emotions come in waves, and I acknowledge them and let them flow. I didn’t … Continue reading Forgiveness
I had been thinking about stones and wanting to find something meaningful to put at my dad’s grave. There weren’t really physical things between us, it was never about the stuff, but what the stuff represented… The opportunity to go to this fair had arisen, and I wanted to check it out. Before I went, I had a dream about placing stones on my dad’s … Continue reading Meaningful things
Our tribe lost it’s leader. This is the best way I can describe the collective loss of my father. It feels like I just saw him yesterday, but I miss him so very much. Time is in this weird place of holding on and moving forward. The passing of days does nothing to help, but remembering his kindness, and sharing it gives us something positive … Continue reading food is love, and other acts of kindness